I was inspired by Daszekmdn, because I heard this song for the first time from him. I decided to try to sing it, although I know I have a few pronunciation issues, for example the word "radości" has a very russian wibe, but well, I’m really sorry about that. 😀 This recording is literaly my third try, because I didn’t have time for more, but I hope you’ll enjoy besides all the mistakes. 🙂
Generally I don’t really like writing longer stuff, but now I’m going to do so…
I shouldn’t even write now. I should study, study and study more, for a little longer, to be sure about myself; but I feel like whenever I touch my materials, I feel more and more nervous. It’s as if someone kept infusing me with anger, hopelessness and desperation. On these days, or better to say at these weeks, I feel so desperate for a hug. For a nice word or two. Once I could laugh by whole heart, and at the next moment I’m crying unstoppably.
I can’t even explain how much I hate myself. I am a complete garbage. I feel like what I actualy love learning, that I’m able to talk about for hours without any pause. I love languages. Both russian and polish. Sometimes when friends of mine ask something about these two things, after giving an answer, I literaly can’t stop sharing my knowledge with them, because I simply love explaining stuff.
I’m having an exam in sentence analyzation tomorrow. The whole thing is in russian. I’ve studied all day, but as I’ve already mentioned, every study session was a nightmare. I felt being infected by anger and desperation every time I opened any of my files, and there were like 40 of them! Words are flying in my head, they crash into each other, and tomorrow they are going to explode in a loud, big boom.
I literaly can’t explain how I’m feeling now. I feel that special pain in my throat, as if I wanted to cry, but I can not. I can not show my weakness in front of people, I’m desperately trying to hide every single sign of pain I’ve been suffering from in the past 3 years. I don’t want to accept even a sign of depression, but whenever someone talks to me in a nice manner, I feel like I’m being helped. I’m desperately holding my hands out for someone to take it, but when they see I’m not okay, they immediately let it go. I won’t be able to sleep this night. If I could wish anything for christmas, or even for my next 20 birthdays, I’d wish to pass this thing. I’m serious.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with these feelings. I know many people are suffering, but they are also trying to hide it, just like me. I’ve acknowledged that if I show everything, or even a single sign of not being fine, people will walk away from me. If they don’t walk away, they start to talk about something different. Are you okay? No, I’m not. Ah that’s bad, oh see I’ve won a ranked wild match in hearthstone! Beautiful, congrats, nicely done.
In these past few years, I feel like my feelings, as simple as it is, went away. Not completely, but they are weak. I feel very embarrassed when I need to show my love towards people. I feel embarrassed when I want to say "it’s so good you are with me." I feel embarrassed to hug someone, but if someone does the same, I love it. I just don’t show it.
I love all of you, my friends. But I’m so damn stressed that I can’t show it to you. I’m not forcing anyone to believe me… But all I need is a little help.
If I survive tomorrow.