Generally I don’t really like writing longer stuff, but now I’m going to do so…
I shouldn’t even write now. I should study, study and study more, for a little longer, to be sure about myself; but I feel like whenever I touch my materials, I feel more and more nervous. It’s as if someone kept infusing me with anger, hopelessness and desperation. On these days, or better to say at these weeks, I feel so desperate for a hug. For a nice word or two. Once I could laugh by whole heart, and at the next moment I’m crying unstoppably.
I can’t even explain how much I hate myself. I am a complete garbage. I feel like what I actualy love learning, that I’m able to talk about for hours without any pause. I love languages. Both russian and polish. Sometimes when friends of mine ask something about these two things, after giving an answer, I literaly can’t stop sharing my knowledge with them, because I simply love explaining stuff.
I’m having an exam in sentence analyzation tomorrow. The whole thing is in russian. I’ve studied all day, but as I’ve already mentioned, every study session was a nightmare. I felt being infected by anger and desperation every time I opened any of my files, and there were like 40 of them! Words are flying in my head, they crash into each other, and tomorrow they are going to explode in a loud, big boom.
I literaly can’t explain how I’m feeling now. I feel that special pain in my throat, as if I wanted to cry, but I can not. I can not show my weakness in front of people, I’m desperately trying to hide every single sign of pain I’ve been suffering from in the past 3 years. I don’t want to accept even a sign of depression, but whenever someone talks to me in a nice manner, I feel like I’m being helped. I’m desperately holding my hands out for someone to take it, but when they see I’m not okay, they immediately let it go. I won’t be able to sleep this night. If I could wish anything for christmas, or even for my next 20 birthdays, I’d wish to pass this thing. I’m serious.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with these feelings. I know many people are suffering, but they are also trying to hide it, just like me. I’ve acknowledged that if I show everything, or even a single sign of not being fine, people will walk away from me. If they don’t walk away, they start to talk about something different. Are you okay? No, I’m not. Ah that’s bad, oh see I’ve won a ranked wild match in hearthstone! Beautiful, congrats, nicely done.
In these past few years, I feel like my feelings, as simple as it is, went away. Not completely, but they are weak. I feel very embarrassed when I need to show my love towards people. I feel embarrassed when I want to say "it’s so good you are with me." I feel embarrassed to hug someone, but if someone does the same, I love it. I just don’t show it.
I love all of you, my friends. But I’m so damn stressed that I can’t show it to you. I’m not forcing anyone to believe me… But all I need is a little help.
If I survive tomorrow.
Categories
15 replies on “Letting go of my thoughts”
I understand. That’s all I say here but I do. And you possibly know I do.
Of course I know… 🙂
That whole thing you’re suffering from is very bad. I haven’t gone through such feelings in quite a while. Don’t be nervous at the exam and don’t keep thinking about it. Instead, focus on what you are doing (eating, drinking, having shower) and remind yourself of what you are doing when thoughts about the exam come to your head.
Believe me, It seems as if it’s not helping, but it’ll help, or at least I hope so, because it helps me when I’m stressed.
Keep going, darling. That’s the one think we can do in such a situation. I often feel same and know it’s horrible. I have a big problem concerning writing my master thesis, I started a therapy cause of that, so I’m really with you. If you have problems with Polish, don’t hesitate to write priv.
Talk to me, I can give you some strategies to battle this, which I use myself.
They won’t completely fix the problem, but they will make the reality so much more bearable.
Besides, on the 16th I am going back home and I will be on holiday for a little over 2 weeks, so I’ll be much more available.
Until then, good luck!
I believe in you!
Julitka, it isn’t in connection with polish, with that it’s all fine and I’m really happy about it 🙂 as I’ve mentioned above, when I’m having any kind of polish related lesson, I feel like I’m at home.
Djsenter, thank you very much 🙂 finally I’ve had the exam and passed it, although I wish it was a bit better. I still did it nevertheless.
Hey, I am not walking away from you. I am sending you a big hug. I have friends who have suffered or are suffer from that shit and I am thinking that it is not right to walk away. Instead take the hand, that they are holding out and if you are not fin mit words, then just hug them.
Thank you a lot, really. 🙂
Actually, because of things like that I often distance myself from my friends and people I like and or consider important, that’s what depression does to me.
It does get weird 😀
I’m the exact opposite, when I feel depressed, I try to reach them as soon as I’m able to do so. Not because I want help, but because I want to talk.
For me it’s almost like self-sabotage.
I know I need help, I know I need people and that I would be happier if I spend some time with them, but depression just makes me hurt myself even more.
So I’m sorry if I’v ever given off the wrong vibe, 🙁
I’d say encouraging stuff, but I feel thee exact same as you, so can’t say anything, at all, that will change your situation.
But, I just want you to know, I’m here.
We aren’t close at all, I’m aware of that, but I’m here, Doesn’t matter the hour.
You have me on facebook too, although I’m not that active on fb/messenger, but still I’m there for you.
And I’m the same as @djsenter in this regard, just distancing myself so if I don’t answer, or I have something school related, family related or ust down an emotional path that I don’t even understand 😀
just*
You are not alone with all of this. I completely, and completely, understand what you feel as i do have thoose feelings a lot. Just remember, you are not alone. There are people that can help you, youre not alone.